BBQ Cupcakes Hot off the Grill

BBQ Cupcake detail 2We headed to a potluck BBQ on the weekend and wait for it, we brought cupcakes. If you have been following my blog for a little while you might have noticed that every other post is about cupcakes. I have been altering the posts between brain tumours and cupcakes just to keep the content light and fluffy.

I started taking a cake decorating class and I was quite bummed when it got postponed because the instructor had to go in for surgery, the class will resume some time in August and I am hoping to be healed from my surgery in time to participate. During the last class the young girl beside me managed to get frosting in her hair. I will have to remember to keep my distance from her as frosting in my healing skull probably wouldn’t be “just what the doctor ordered”.

In keeping with the BBQ theme I stole this idea from my favourite site. In case you want to copy from me copying from Pinterest here are the instructions:

Instructions

BBQ Cupcakes steps

  1. Bake chocolate cupcakes (just follow the instructions on a boxed cake mix) or get really wild and bake them from scratch
  2. Frost the cupcakes once they are cooled with chocolate frosting, they don’t have to be perfect because you are going to cover them in sprinkles (aka fire)
  3. Dip, roll or sprinkle the cupcakes with any combination of red, orange or yellow sprinkles (I used red and clear sugar sprinkles because that’s what they sell at the dollarstore and I am cheap)
  4. Draw on a BBQ grill with black frosting
  5. Add on a few “Hot Tamales” or red Mike&Ike candies (aka Hot dogs)
  6. Draw grill marks on the candy

P.S. if you decide to send your husband to the store for hot tamales and he happens to have been born in another country where he wouldn’t have had access to these treats explain to him exactly what you want or you might end up with hot peppers.

What’s up doc?

I had no idea how often people asked “what are your plans for the summer”? Are you travelling anywhere? It’s getting to be like the new “How are you?” or at least it seems that way when I have been living in limbo.

'Given the complexity of the task and the size of the tumor, your best bet is Photoshop.'

I went for a follow-up appointment this past week to get the results from my MRI, which I already knew because I am as impatient as a toddler. But it’s a little different hearing them from a neurosurgeon than from my family doctor. The neurosurgeon still believes that I have a benign meningioma which is a tumour growing between my skull and the lining of my brain called the meninges. Whether or not it’s benign won’t be confirmed until the tumour is removed. Timmy is larger than initially suspected. My first scan had him at 2.3cm and the second more accurate one has him measuring 2.9cm. A six milimeter difference isn’t much unless you are talking about brain tumours. Meningioma’s typically grow at a rate of 1mm per year, so we are potentially talking about a difference of 6 years of growth. The surgeon doesn’t actually think that Timmy has grown 6mm between scans he just thinks that the image from the MRI is much better than the one from the CT scan. As I learned this week 3cm is the decision point for these types of tumours in this location. My options were presented such that:

1. I can wait until the tumour gets to be 3cm in 6 months to a year during which time I would need to have another MRI and more appointments, and then have surgery

2. have radiation to reduce the size of the tumour and then at some time in the future have surgery

3. get it removed sooner rather than later

Unfortunately using photoshop to remove the tumour wasn’t an option. Waiting a couple more months would be fine except having a brain tumour sort of sucks. If I was 70 years old my best course of treatment would be radiation. But I am not 70 so shrinking it and hoping for the best only to have to revisit the situation later isn’t very appealing. So looks like I am going to have surgery sooner rather than later.

He then went through the potential risks of this surgery based on the size and location of Timmy which include a small risk of facial paralysis on the left side of my face, reduced motor function in my left hand, bleeding requiring a blood transfusion, and somethings about difficulty swallowing, swelling, leaking spinal fluid; honestly I sort of lost track. I do remember that if he can’t untangle the tumour from important things he will just leave some tumour behind rather than risk permanent damage. If he does have to chop up Timmy what is left will be “fried” as he put it, and I believe there was a mention of potential radiation treatment later on. My husband made notes which I can’t bear to read. Having too many details scares the crap out of me.

What is sort of neat, creepy and scary all at the same time is that he will be injecting little sensors into my face once my head is clamped to the operating table. Yes that is correct my head will be clamped to the operating table. Sounds pleasant doesn’t it. He will try and get the clamp marks close to my hair line just in case there is any scaring, but he couldn’t be sure where they would end up until he had me on the table. Considering that I will have my skull drilled open, the clamp marks will probably be the least of my concerns. The sensors will be used to align the MRI imaging to my head sort of like a GPS of my brain. The sensors will also act like little alarms for the nerves in my face if there is any twitching.

I will be sedated for the operation which is actually nice to hear because there are types of brain surgery that require local anesthetic so you are pretty much awake for the surgery. That sounds like torture. I have a hard time being fully present for a dental filling I can’t even image the post traumatic stress disorder that might surface from being awake for brain surgery.

The good news (I am stretching it here, but there has to be something positive in the situation) is that I will in fact be part robot when this is all over with as I will be getting a titanium plate in my head. My kids think that the surgeon is going to cut off my head, insert bolts and I will turn into Frankenstein. Thankfully he is not going to cut off my head. He is only going to cut into my head and there will be bolts involved so they are only partially wrong. I will defiantly be green right after the surgery because nausea is high on the list of side effects.

icu1I will be in the ICU right after the surgery but I might not even be aware because this event calls for a bucketful of drugs. There is a risk of swelling and bleeding post surgery given the tumour location so the ICU is the place to be. If all goes according to plan I will be out of the hospital within 5 days.

My husband, the surgeon and I tossed around some potential surgery dates as if we were making dinner plans. I have a tentative craniotomy (I think that’s what it’s called) booked but I am waiting for the confirmation before I get too excited, or freaked right out. In the mean time I need to have a pre-op exam, blood work and chest X-ray.

So now when I am asked “do you have any big plans for the summer”, I can say I sure do I’m having brain surgery. Now doesn’t that sound like a fun way to spend the summer.

How are you? No really how are you?

how_you_doin_____joey_tribbiani_by_iamthewalrus46-d3rbpuqSince I have been diagnosed with a brain tumour and people know about it, I have been asked How are you doing? When I give the standard, fine or OK. I get a followup but how are you really doing, sometimes with an accompanied point at my head, or how’s Timmy the tumour doing. Well here’s the low down.

I have an appointment with my neurosurgeon tomorrow. This is the followup from the MRI I had in April. I am a little nervous that he is going to tell me that we should just wait and watch the growth, and at the same time I would be relieved. I feel like my life is being held captive by Timmy because I am having a hard time committing to anything long-term. Do I go back to school in September? Or on vacation out of the country? Both of these questions I can’t really answer right now. It’s hard to plan for the coming months when I don’t know Timmy’s plan. I would love the surgeon to say lets take down Timmy mid summer so you can recover sooner rather than later.

I get dizzy often, sometimes it feels like I am wearing a hat that is too tight and I having varying degrees of headaches. So for these reasons I would like Timmy to take a hike pronto. At the same time the idea of having brain surgery is SCARY. For the record I have never had surgery and have only been hospitalized for the rather uncomplicated births of my two kiddo’s. I have never even had a broken bone. I am scar free. Yet it doesn’t surprise me for a second that my first surgery would be on my brain because I am a “go big or go home” type of person. If you are going to have surgery you might as well go for it.

reality-679x350Those stages of grief or loss that you hear about are also very applicable to my current situation. I was in denial from the first headache until the CT Scan showed the tumour. Now that I have had 2 scans that both show Timmy, a couple of dizzy spells, and a headache or two it’s hard to deny Timmy’s existence. Depression was very real in the first couple of days/weeks but that has passed now. As of right now there has been no bargaining, but the days before I have surgery you better believe I will be promising anything to live and to live as I have been just without Timmy. The anger I am experiencing is a very new emotion for me, it’s not like being angry at someone because there isn’t anyone to be angry at. I am just angry. I am angry I can’t do the things I want to do. I am angry that I will be having a lovely day and I get dizzy and am reminded that I have a brain tumour. I am angry when I escape reality for a couple of hours while watching a movie, or sleeping only to be smacked in the face with reality. I am angry my head will be cut open. I am angry that this situation is mine and I have to do something about it.

But I am also thankful, so incredibly thankful that its me and not either of my kids because I think that I would lose my mind if I had to deal with this as a bystander. I am also thankful that while this is serious it is also treatable. I just finished reading “Still Alice” by Lisa Genova about a woman who has Alzheimer’s disease which I found surprisingly uplifting. I am reminded that it could be so much worse. So that’s how I am doing. How are you doing?

Family Photos

Gallery 3What do brain tumours and photography have in common? Probably not much. But having been recently diagnosed with a brain tumour has prompted me to yet again have family photos taken. When I told my husband that I wanted to have photos taken his response was “really AGAIN”. It has only been a year since the last batch and I understand his point but I played the brain tumour card anyway. You never know what the future may bring, so while I can get some family shots taken I went for it. Scroll to the bottom to see the lovely pictures that Nicola at Lily and Lane took for us.

We don’t have a lot of family pictures of all of us, there are a pile of the kids, and lots of my husband with the kids. I am almost always behind the camera so just in case something goes wrong and Timmy the tumour wins (which is highly unlikely in my opinion) my family will have some new shiny pictures of me. Until that dark day (holy morbid) inevitably happens sometime in my late 90’s I plan on enjoying the photos. Which means that they need to make their way out of the computer.

Step 1 is getting the photos, Step 2 is getting them out of the computer and into some form that you can enjoy. Hint, hint nudge nudge. I stumbled across this fantastic INEXPENSIVE, EASY, AND QUICK way to display photos. In the image above there is a mix of pictures taken by three different photographers (myself included). In the top row the 3rd and 6th images from the left, and first and fifth images in the bottom row I mounted on wood artist panels. It’s really rare that I come across any DIY project that is all three, so I am pretty excited to share this one with you. This project cost $2.00 for the wood artist board at the dollar store, $3.00 for the 8×10 print, $1.00 craft paint to paint the edges from the dollar store.  I already had a jar of modge podge and a paint brush, but neither of those items will break the bank.

What you need:

Supplies

  • 8×10 photo
  • modge podge
  • Canvas or wood artist board
  • A paint brush/foam brush
  • craft paint to paint the edges
  • Exacto knife

Instructions:

Step 1 – paint the edges of the canvas or wood board and wait for it to dry. Have a glass of wine while you wait.

Step 1 and 2

Step 2 – Apply a second coat of paint if needed and wait for it to dry

Step 3 – Apply a coat of modge podge to the canvas/board and lineup the photo making sure to remove any air bubbles, wait for it to stick

Step 4 – Trim around the edges of the canvas/board

Step 4

Step 5 – Apply a coat of modge podge as evenly as possible over the entire photo to seal it. A foam brush is better than a bristle brush.

Step 5

Photo Gallery

Taco Salad

Taco saladHere’s a little secret. My husband is a much better cook than I will ever be. But as my family will attest to I rock a mean salad. Since I was diagnosed with a brain tumour I have been sitting back eating junk. I had previous to the diagnosis been running for exercise because it’s free, we have a treadmill and it’s a great excuse to buy new shoes. Exercise was also the reason why I had the intense head pains that caused me to go to the doctor and led me to the brain tumour diagnosis. So running is off the table for now. Which means that healthy eating is on.

I always thought that those fancy taco salad bowls in restaurants would be hard to duplicate. I am happy to say that I was so wrong about that. Last night I made a couple taco salad bowls and here are the instructions:

Ingredients:

  • 8″ flour tortilla shells (from a package)
  • onion powder, garlic powder, paprika, and chili powder
  • Olive oil
  • cooking spray

Instructions:

  1. Lay the tortilla shell on a flat surface, lightly brush with olive oil
  2. Lightly dust with spices
  3. Spray non stick cooking spray inside an oven safe bowl
  4. Put the tortilla shell into the bowl, pressing down in the middle
  5. Heat in the oven until crispy (350 degrees for 10 minutes in my oven)

Salad:

  • Romaine lettuce
  • Tomato
  • Yellow pepper
  • black beans
  • Chicken
  • Avocado
  • Green onion
  • Shredded cheese
  • Dressing (oil and balsamic vinegar)

Support

25983b5255f2edc7500b84b5d9a9e2f0How are you? This little question has turned into more of a greeting than an actual question. When you answer it do you tell the truth? Or do you say fine, thanks. How are you?

I feel like I am lying if you ask how I am and I say fine, because in no way am I fine. So I have started saying I am great except for the brain tumor. I have gotten some interesting reactions to say the least. I do however have great hope that I will one day be able to say fine again and really mean it.

I have been telling people that I have a brain tumor, some out of necessity, some because I want to, and others because I don’t want to pretend that everything is OK. I have been openly sharing my story. It’s hard because it’s emotionally exhausting but it’s worth it. I don’t even know how many people have told me of friends, relatives, or acquaintances who have survived a brain tumor. I have lost count. Your stories inspire me and fill me with hope, thank you, thank you, thank you.

Tomorrow we will be walking in the Brain Tumour Spring Sprint. I have raised money and participated in many walks for all kinds of causes but never one that affected me personally. I wanted to thank everyone for your donations, it’s humbling to know that I have so many people’s support. I have raised just over $1,000.00. Yahoo. If you would like to donate to this cause very close to my heart (brain) please do. Here is the link. http://www.springsprint.ca/site/TR/SpringSprint/General?px=1028237&pg=personal&fr_id=1217#.VWEjiU_BwXA

Walk shirtI decided to turn the image of a brain formed by hands into a shirt because I thought that it would make a perfect shirt for the kids for the walk. Every occasion around our house get some sort of t-shirt, this is no exception. I anticipate that they will be covered in food and or dirt and I may need to make another set before the walk tomorrow.

Goodbye Mommy Guilt

valentinesWhen I first found out that I had a brain tumour you could say that I was depressed, for the first two days after I didn`t get dressed and I didn`t spend much time out of bed. That might have been the brain tumour but it also might have been the burst ovarian cyst, and stomach flu which were also attacking my body at the same time. Regardless my kids saw me as a bit of a mess, because honestly I was.

On day three I got up, got dressed and headed to a birthday party (at least physically) and felt some semblance or normalcy for the first time in days. I was also pretty proud of myself that I didn`t break down and cry mid party at the thought that I might not be around for my kids subsequent birthday parties because those were the thoughts swirling in my mind at the time.

Later that same day I had a massage booked. The appointment was made weeks before and I thought that it might make me feel better to get a massage. I had sent my CT results to my massage therapist the day before mainly so that I wouldn`t actually have to discuss my recently discovered tumour, and also so that I wouldn`t waste precious massage time crying. When I arrived we chatted a little about how I was feeling, and then he treated me as he had every other time I had been for a massage in the last 5 years. He also told me about his mother in law who had a meningioma removed (same kind of tumour as mine) and she has a loss of hearing in one ear, and can`t swim underwater without special ear plugs. To him this situation was no big deal, but not in a way that I felt like he was diminishing my situation. Simply that it is an unfortunate event which requires surgery,healing and time. My massage therapist relieved more stress than I ever thought possible with only his attitude and his words. I left his office feeling better than I had in a while because I had hope, piles and piles of hope.

nap timeFor the first time in days I ate dinner at the table with the rest of the family. Sasha who had just turned 6, turned to me and really looked at me and said “you seem to be feeling better mommy”. And he was right, I was feeling much better. But that point was also a pivotal moment because I became acutely aware of just how much he was picking up on. I vowed at that moment to pull myself together, and have hope that this situation would be resolved in time.

Sasha’s keen observation, and my acknowledgement of the brain tumour have also given me perspective. My mommy guilt has disappeared. I have a hard time caring these days about sugar cereal intake, TV watching, and what kind of diapers are the best. Instead I am taking care of myself, giving the kids extra snuggles, and making sure that the big things like their emotional needs are being met. My new perspective courtesy of my brain tumour is to live, and raise happy healthy kids.

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27 Canadians a day are diagnosed with a brain tumour, I am one of them.

On March 18, 2015 I was diagnosed with a brain tumour2015-SS-Poster-VICTORIA-Eng. As much as I would like to sit around and feel sorry for myself I have decided to join the movement to end brain tumours by taking part in Spring Sprint. I believe no one should hear the words, “you have a brain tumour”.

This is why I’m fundraising for Brain Tumour Foundation of Canada. Patients and families need information, support and education. We also need more research. There are too few treatments for this disease and survival needs to be improved.

Every dollar raised by Spring Sprint goes towards these goals.

Thank you for giving and, more importantly, for helping the 27 Canadians diagnosed daily with a brain tumour. You’re changing lives.

To support me in my walk against brain tumours please follow the link to donate http://www.springsprint.ca/site/TR/SpringSprint/General?px=1028237&pg=personal&fr_id=1217#.VUuliflVhHw.

Thank you.

The results are in, drum roll please.

The results are in, drum roll please. The bad news is that I still have a brain tumor, surprisingly he hasn`t disappeared as I secretly hoped he would. The good news is that he seems to be behaving himself. My neurosurgeon has scheduled my next appointment for the middle of June, which I also take to be a very good sign. Had he wanted to see me right away it would have been bad news. But I am not an overly patient, patient. So I went to see my GP for a Cole’s notes version of the MRI results. To be honest I was afraid that the MRI would discover that Timmy was part of a larger family of brain tumors, but that does not appear to be the case, at least no one has said hey looks like you are growing a tumor family in your brain. I take that to be a good sign. Timmy the tumor is however still there hanging onto my skull behind my left ear using my meninges as a blanket. He is described as an avidly enhancing extra-axial mass. Imagine for a second what Charlie Brown’s mother sounds like, wha, wha, wha, wha cause that`s how I feel when I read these reports. Which surprisingly my doctor’s keep giving me for my tumor scrap book. I really wish the reports came with pictures. I need a map that says ‘tumor is here’ with a big red dot. Timmy is measuring a little larger than in the CT scan, but I also know that Timmy was a little camera shy in his CT image. If the surgeon thinks that he will behave himself until the middle of June, I am fine with that.

Medical-Cartoon-071Now that I have had both a CT and a MRI I really prefer the MRI. Or perhaps I preferred the MRI tech because sometimes people make all the difference, either way it is NOT scary. When I was called in for the MRI the tech went through a list of questions, including do I have shrapnel, or bullets lodged in my body, or metal shards in my eyes. I’m sure that those are very important questions but I couldn’t help laughing as she proceeded down the list. Thankfully I don’t have bullets, shrapnel and a brain tumor because that sounds like a very bad combo.

Thump, thump, thump, thump was all I could hear  as I stood there getting my instructions from the tech and I couldn’t help but ask whose heartbeat I could hear. I wasn’t hooked up to the machine yet, so it wasn’t me. She was like, heartbeat? I haven’t heard that one before. That’s the pump for MRI machine.

I hoped up on the table preparing to enter the giant womb with a heartbeat and all and I ask the tech about the contrast dye. For the CT scan I needed an IV so that they could insert contrast dye which makes you feel like you pee your pants when they inject it (not pleasant). She informed me that she would pull me out of the machine part way through and inject the dye with a needle, so no IV, that in itself was a win. I hate IV’s, they make me feel like a sick person, plus they make me itchy. As an added bonus her contrast dye doesn’t make you feel like you peed yourself, double win.

After a nice warm blanket and pillows for my knees I am ready to be strapped into the helmet. This is as close as I am ever going to get to wearing a sports helmet or any kind. The helmet is necessary so that I can’t move my head. I am literally strapped to a board. She puts in ear plugs for me and asks what kind of music I might like, seriously 5 star service. I opted for something light so that I wasn’t tempted to sing, or dance while I am supposed to be perfectly still. The helmet has a mirror so that I can see out of the MRI machine, it’s all a very cool technical experience. The inner science geek in me is totally enthralled by all of the technology.

She warns me that the MRI machine will be loud, and the bed will vibrate. I asked if it would be louder or rougher than riding inside a float plane, and no she assures me that it will not. So no big deal. She hands me a panic button which bears a striking resemblance to a nasal aspirator, gross. And into the heart-beating machine I go.

As I lie there I think of the last time that I have been told that I can do nothing except lie still for 45 minutes. No kids, no responsibilities, just lie there listen to music and do nothing. I think that it has been at least 6 years, and perhaps a lot longer than that. So I took a little 45 minute break from life as magnets pulled images from my brain.

When the magnets started working I could feel some pain in my tooth, the one with the crown. Once I realized what was happening I rationally told myself that she would have warned me about crowns (like the bullets and shrapnel) if they were a problem. When she pulled me out to inject the dye I mentioned it, and she said some people feel dental pain because of nerve sensitivity and other’s feel nothing. Maybe I should have mentioned that the dentist left part of the drill bit in my tooth, but that wasn’t on her list of questions. Anyway that was three root canals ago, so I’m sure it was just the post for my crown. After the whole thing was over my crown is still in place and I promised the tech I would be back for another spin on the MRI machine in the future.

If only a craniotomy could be as painless as getting a MRI. Now I patiently wait until the middle of June for the next step in this brain tumor adventure.

Standing in the rain

cute-cloud-rain-cartoon3I stood in the rain the other day and didn’t even acknowledge it. At one point I did realize that water was dripping down my face, but I didn’t move.  I was just starring, and waiting. I remember thinking this isn’t so bad, why I have I never stood in the rain intentionally. I looked around and everyone around me had hoods and umbrella’s, and I just stood there a little longer feeling the rain on my face just because I can.

If you happen to see me and I am smiling more than normal, or I am more chatty than you remember, or I am standing in the rain there is a reason. I am happy to be alive. I am ecstatic that I wake up everyday. If I seem like I am no longer in a rush, it’s because I am not, I am not in a hurry to get anywhere, and I am not too busy. My brain tumor is making me a much nicer person. I have not however turned into a morning person so if you have the inkling to call before 9:00 am be warned. Should I start singing or dancing in the rain call the doctor because something is seriously wrong.

But don’t worry I haven’t gone too soft yet because that person that could be excruciatingly aggressive is lucking just below the surface ready to fight my brain invader with everything I have. On Thursday April 16th I go for a MRI to see how Timmy the tumor is doing. It would be wonderful if he is just shrunk away and they can’t find him, unfortunately I can often feel him pulsing letting me know that he is still there, but a girl can dream.