Making A Life

Since I have been diagnosed with a brain tumour and people know about it, I have been asked How are you doing? When I give the standard, fine or OK. I get a followup but how are you really doing, sometimes with an accompanied point at my head, or how’s Timmy the tumour doing. Well here’s the low down.

I have an appointment with my neurosurgeon tomorrow. This is the followup from the MRI I had in April. I am a little nervous that he is going to tell me that we should just wait and watch the growth, and at the same time I would be relieved. I feel like my life is being held captive by Timmy because I am having a hard time committing to anything long-term. Do I go back to school in September? Or on vacation out of the country? Both of these questions I can’t really answer right now. It’s hard to plan for the coming months when I don’t know Timmy’s plan. I would love the surgeon to say lets take down Timmy mid summer so you can recover sooner rather than later.

I get dizzy often, sometimes it feels like I am wearing a hat that is too tight and I having varying degrees of headaches. So for these reasons I would like Timmy to take a hike pronto. At the same time the idea of having brain surgery is SCARY. For the record I have never had surgery and have only been hospitalized for the rather uncomplicated births of my two kiddo’s. I have never even had a broken bone. I am scar free. Yet it doesn’t surprise me for a second that my first surgery would be on my brain because I am a “go big or go home” type of person. If you are going to have surgery you might as well go for it.

Those stages of grief or loss that you hear about are also very applicable to my current situation. I was in denial from the first headache until the CT Scan showed the tumour. Now that I have had 2 scans that both show Timmy, a couple of dizzy spells, and a headache or two it’s hard to deny Timmy’s existence. Depression was very real in the first couple of days/weeks but that has passed now. As of right now there has been no bargaining, but the days before I have surgery you better believe I will be promising anything to live and to live as I have been just without Timmy. The anger I am experiencing is a very new emotion for me, it’s not like being angry at someone because there isn’t anyone to be angry at. I am just angry. I am angry I can’t do the things I want to do. I am angry that I will be having a lovely day and I get dizzy and am reminded that I have a brain tumour. I am angry when I escape reality for a couple of hours while watching a movie, or sleeping only to be smacked in the face with reality. I am angry my head will be cut open. I am angry that this situation is mine and I have to do something about it.

But I am also thankful, so incredibly thankful that its me and not either of my kids because I think that I would lose my mind if I had to deal with this as a bystander. I am also thankful that while this is serious it is also treatable. I just finished reading “Still Alice” by Lisa Genova about a woman who has Alzheimer’s disease which I found surprisingly uplifting. I am reminded that it could be so much worse. So that’s how I am doing. How are you doing?